Established Before Your Grandfather's Grandfather's Grandfather

Carbonated Time Travel.
Divinely Engineered.

A vintage soda fountain, float bar & coffee shop so transcendent, it required a supernatural business partner. We push local water through a high-pressure vintage gizmo and hand you the results. Your soul is our business. Literally.

View the Sacred Menu Build Your Own ✦Find Us on Harvey Milk Blvd

NOW OPEN ON HARVEY MILK BLVDWIZARDS EAT FREEBRAIN FREEZES NOT COVERED BY INSURANCEESPRESSO: LEGAL IN ALL 50 STATESUNCLE WORMWOOD PERSONALLY APPROVES EVERY BUBBLEDAIRY IS NOT A SIN HERE — EVERYTHING ELSE ISCARBONATION IS A LOVE LANGUAGEHISTORICALLY SPEAKING, FLOATS SOLVE EVERYTHINGZERO ARTIFICIAL DIVINITYFLOAT RESPONSIBLYSHAVED ICE: ELEVATED TO DIVINITYCHILLS: NOW A CATEGORYCOOKIES BAKED IN 2 MINUTES AND 37 SECONDS EXACTLYHONEY BARS: HEALTHY-ISH BY INFERNAL DECREESYRUPS BOTTLED IN THE UNDERWORLDWEIRDOS WELCOME. DOGS ALSO WELCOME.HEAVEN SENT US A CEASE AND DESIST. WE IGNORED IT.SOULS COLLECTED DISCREETLY AT THE REGISTERTENS THE WIZARD HAS BEEN HERE BEFORE YOU WERE BORNTHE BEEHIVE STATE APPROVES OF OUR HONEY BARSPROHIBITED: PROXY SODA CEREMONIES ON BEHALF OF THE DECEASEDWE CANNOT SOFTEN SOULS POSTHUMOUSLY. PLEASE STOP ASKING.ORGANIZED RELIGION HAD 55 OPINIONS. WE HAVE 54 SYRUP FLAVORS. WE WIN.NO BAPTISMS BY FLOAT. THIS IS FINAL.HORCHATA IS NOT IN DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS. UNCLE WORMWOOD CHECKED.SAFFRON HONEY MILK: DOCTRINALLY UNADDRESSED. DELICIOUS. AVAILABLE NOW.CARDAMOM ROSE MILK: THE WORD OF WISDOM DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.PISTACHIO SAFFRON AFFOGATO: THE MOST VISUALLY STRIKING THING IN THE BUILDING.BLACKBERRY ROSEMARY FLAT WHITE: A FOREST AT THE EDGE OF SOMETHING.LAVENDER CARDAMOM COLD BREW: SOMEWHERE BETWEEN A CAFÉ AND A SPICE MARKET.WE HAVE 54 SYRUP FLAVORS. ORGANIZED RELIGION HAS MORE OPINIONS. WE WIN.MAGIC FAIRY DUST IS EDIBLE. WE CHECKED.LITES: FOR WHEN YOUR CONSCIENCE SHOWS UP UNINVITEDUNCLE WORMWOOD HAS NEVER ONCE DESCRIBED THIS AS A PIVOTKAVA AVAILABLE. HEAVEN IS AWARE.COLLAGEN: FOR THE BODY. ESPRESSO: FOR THE SOUL. BOTH: FOR THE VIBE.WE DO NOT OFFER LOYALTY CARDS. LOYALTY IS ALREADY ASSUMED.THE ONCE IN A LIFETIME DRINK CANNOT BE REPRODUCED. WE TRIED.MEASURING DEVICES WERE BANNED FROM THE ONCE IN A LIFETIME STATIONSUITE B. NOT THE MAIN DOOR. THE OTHER ONE. WITH THE SIGN.MONDAY: UNCLE WORMWOOD RESTS. DO NOT KNOCK.MAGIC PEBBLES: FREE WITH EVERY PURCHASE. NON-NEGOTIABLE.POPPING PEARLS ARE NOT A METAPHOR. THEY ARE JUST REALLY FUN.FREEZE-DRIED STRAWBERRIES: NATURE'S CONFETTITOFFEE BITS: TECHNICALLY A GARNISH. SPIRITUALLY A LIFESTYLE.TIME TRAVELERS DRINK FREE (PROOF REQUIRED)SINFUL DRINKS: EIGHTY CENTS MORE. UNCLE WORMWOOD FINDS THIS APPROPRIATE.QUESTIONABLES: DOCTRINALLY AMBIGUOUS. DELICIOUS. JUDGE ACCORDINGLY.CREAM TOP: ONE DOLLAR. DIGNITY: PRICELESS. BOTH AVAILABLE HERE.EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM: FIFTY CENTS. REGRET: FREE.CARBONATED SHAVED ICE IS A CHILL. THIS IS CANON.BLENDED DRINKS ARE SLURPS. WE NAMED THEM. WE STAND BY IT.PANINIS AVAILABLE. UNCLE WORMWOOD DOES NOT EXPLAIN HIMSELF.OATS ALSO AVAILABLE. UNCLE WORMWOOD STILL DOES NOT EXPLAIN HIMSELF.OVEN-FRESH SWEETS: READY IN 2 MINUTES 37 SECONDS. TIMED.THIS SHOP WAS BUILT AS THE OPPOSITE OF A ZOOM MEETINGCOMMERCE IS NOT A PULPIT. YOUR ORDER IS YOUR BUSINESS.WEIRDOS, DOG-WALKERS, AND THE SPIRITUALLY UNMOORED: EQUALLY WELCOMEUNCLE WORMWOOD WAS A RESOURCE ONCE. HE FOUND THIS UNSUSTAINABLE.THE CHANDELIERS WERE NOT IN THE BUDGET. UNCLE WORMWOOD REGRETS NOTHING.WE BELIEVE IN THE GIFT OF TONGUES — SPECIFICALLY YOURS, IN AN ICE CREAM CONEWE BELIEVE THAT MEN WILL BE PUNISHED FOR THEIR OWN SINS — STARTING WITH DECAFWE BELIEVE IN BEING HONEST, TRUE, AND CHASTE — EXCEPT ABOUT THE CALORIE COUNTWE BELIEVE ALL THAT THE ESPRESSO MACHINE HAS REVEALED AND WILL YET REVEALWE BELIEVE IN THE LITERAL GATHERING OF FRIENDS AROUND A SHARED FLOATWE BELIEVE IN BEING SUBJECT TO THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS AND ALSO GOOD VIBESWE BELIEVE IN VISIONS, REVELATIONS, AND THE INTERPRETATION OF FOAM PATTERNSWE BELIEVE THE MENU IS THE WORD OF UNCLE WORMWOOD AS FAR AS IT IS TRANSLATED CORRECTLYWE BELIEVE THAT THROUGH THE ATONEMENT OF OAT MILK, ALL LATTES MAY BE SAVEDWE BELIEVE IN THE SAME ORGANIZATION THAT EXISTED IN THE PRIMITIVE SODA FOUNTAINI KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I — UNCLE WORMWOOD TO THE HEALTH INSPECTORTHERE'S A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT ME YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT — UNCLE WORMWOODEVERYONE I KNOW HAS A BIG BUT — UNCLE WORMWOOD DISCUSSING THE OBSCENELY LARGE SIZEI'M A LONER, DOTTIE. A REBEL. — UNCLE WORMWOOD ON MONDAYSCONNECT THE DOTS — UNCLE WORMWOOD GESTURING AT THE ENTIRE MENUTAKE A PICTURE, IT'LL LAST LONGER — UNCLE WORMWOOD ON THE PISTACHIO SAFFRON AFFOGATOTHERE'S A WORD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU — UNCLE WORMWOOD PAUSES — CUSTOMERNORMAL IS A LIE. YOUR SOUL TRANSCENDS IT. YOUR DRINK DOES NOT NEED TO.YOUR BODY IS A VESSEL. YOUR FLOAT IS ALSO A VESSEL. ONE OF THEM IS BETTER RIGHT NOW.RACE IS AN ILLUSION. FLAVOR IS REAL. CHOOSE WISELY.GENDER DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR ENERGETIC ESSENCE. YOUR SYRUP SELECTION MIGHT.YOU ARE NOT YOUR NAME. YOU ARE THE ENERGY WITHIN. ALSO YOU ARE WHAT YOU ORDER.AUTHORITY IS A CONSTRUCT. EXCEPT UNCLE WORMWOOD'S. HIS IS REAL AND ALSO DELICIOUS.CHANGE IS THE ONLY TRUE GOD. ALSO OAT MILK IS NOW AVAILABLE. THESE ARE RELATED.ONE SHOULD STRIVE TO ACT WITH COMPASSION TOWARD ALL CREATURES — UNCLE WORMWOOD, PROBABLYTHE STRUGGLE FOR JUSTICE IS ONGOING. SO IS THE STRUGGLE FOR THE LAST AFFOGATO.YOUR BODY IS INVIOLABLE. YOUR WHIPPED CREAM IS ALSO INVIOLABLE. WE WILL NOT REMOVE IT.THE FREEDOMS OF OTHERS SHOULD BE RESPECTED, INCLUDING THE FREEDOM TO ORDER WEIRD THINGSBELIEFS SHOULD CONFORM TO YOUR BEST SCIENTIFIC UNDERSTANDING OF CARBONATIONPEOPLE ARE FALLIBLE. IF UNCLE WORMWOOD MAKES YOUR DRINK WRONG, HE WILL REMAKE IT.THE SPIRIT OF COMPASSION AND WISDOM SHOULD PREVAIL — ALSO THE SPIRIT OF EXTRA WHIPPED CREAMWHOLE MILK: THE ORIGINAL. THE UNASHAMED. AVAILABLE NOW.OAT MILK: THE CROWD FAVORITE. UNCLE WORMWOOD STOCKS IT IN QUANTITY. HE DOES NOT EXPLAIN WHY.ALMOND MILK: TECHNICALLY NOT MILK. WE SERVE IT ANYWAY. THE ALMONDS ARE REAL.BUBBLY WATER: THE BASE THAT ARRIVES WITH OPINIONS ALREADY FORMED.STILL WATER: FOR WHEN THE ESPRESSO SHOULD SPEAK FOR ITSELF.SKIM MILK: THE COMPROMISE. THE NEGOTIATION. THE CHOICE OF SOMEONE LIVING WITH A DECISION.NOW OPEN ON HARVEY MILK BLVDWIZARDS EAT FREEBRAIN FREEZES NOT COVERED BY INSURANCEESPRESSO: LEGAL IN ALL 50 STATESUNCLE WORMWOOD PERSONALLY APPROVES EVERY BUBBLEDAIRY IS NOT A SIN HERE — EVERYTHING ELSE ISCARBONATION IS A LOVE LANGUAGEHISTORICALLY SPEAKING, FLOATS SOLVE EVERYTHINGZERO ARTIFICIAL DIVINITYFLOAT RESPONSIBLYSHAVED ICE: ELEVATED TO DIVINITYCHILLS: NOW A CATEGORYCOOKIES BAKED IN 2 MINUTES AND 37 SECONDS EXACTLYHONEY BARS: HEALTHY-ISH BY INFERNAL DECREESYRUPS BOTTLED IN THE UNDERWORLDWEIRDOS WELCOME. DOGS ALSO WELCOME.HEAVEN SENT US A CEASE AND DESIST. WE IGNORED IT.SOULS COLLECTED DISCREETLY AT THE REGISTERTENS THE WIZARD HAS BEEN HERE BEFORE YOU WERE BORNTHE BEEHIVE STATE APPROVES OF OUR HONEY BARSPROHIBITED: PROXY SODA CEREMONIES ON BEHALF OF THE DECEASEDWE CANNOT SOFTEN SOULS POSTHUMOUSLY. PLEASE STOP ASKING.ORGANIZED RELIGION HAD 55 OPINIONS. WE HAVE 54 SYRUP FLAVORS. WE WIN.NO BAPTISMS BY FLOAT. THIS IS FINAL.HORCHATA IS NOT IN DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS. UNCLE WORMWOOD CHECKED.SAFFRON HONEY MILK: DOCTRINALLY UNADDRESSED. DELICIOUS. AVAILABLE NOW.CARDAMOM ROSE MILK: THE WORD OF WISDOM DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.PISTACHIO SAFFRON AFFOGATO: THE MOST VISUALLY STRIKING THING IN THE BUILDING.BLACKBERRY ROSEMARY FLAT WHITE: A FOREST AT THE EDGE OF SOMETHING.LAVENDER CARDAMOM COLD BREW: SOMEWHERE BETWEEN A CAFÉ AND A SPICE MARKET.WE HAVE 54 SYRUP FLAVORS. ORGANIZED RELIGION HAS MORE OPINIONS. WE WIN.MAGIC FAIRY DUST IS EDIBLE. WE CHECKED.LITES: FOR WHEN YOUR CONSCIENCE SHOWS UP UNINVITEDUNCLE WORMWOOD HAS NEVER ONCE DESCRIBED THIS AS A PIVOTKAVA AVAILABLE. HEAVEN IS AWARE.COLLAGEN: FOR THE BODY. ESPRESSO: FOR THE SOUL. BOTH: FOR THE VIBE.WE DO NOT OFFER LOYALTY CARDS. LOYALTY IS ALREADY ASSUMED.THE ONCE IN A LIFETIME DRINK CANNOT BE REPRODUCED. WE TRIED.MEASURING DEVICES WERE BANNED FROM THE ONCE IN A LIFETIME STATIONSUITE B. NOT THE MAIN DOOR. THE OTHER ONE. WITH THE SIGN.MONDAY: UNCLE WORMWOOD RESTS. DO NOT KNOCK.MAGIC PEBBLES: FREE WITH EVERY PURCHASE. NON-NEGOTIABLE.POPPING PEARLS ARE NOT A METAPHOR. THEY ARE JUST REALLY FUN.FREEZE-DRIED STRAWBERRIES: NATURE'S CONFETTITOFFEE BITS: TECHNICALLY A GARNISH. SPIRITUALLY A LIFESTYLE.TIME TRAVELERS DRINK FREE (PROOF REQUIRED)SINFUL DRINKS: EIGHTY CENTS MORE. UNCLE WORMWOOD FINDS THIS APPROPRIATE.QUESTIONABLES: DOCTRINALLY AMBIGUOUS. DELICIOUS. JUDGE ACCORDINGLY.CREAM TOP: ONE DOLLAR. DIGNITY: PRICELESS. BOTH AVAILABLE HERE.EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM: FIFTY CENTS. REGRET: FREE.CARBONATED SHAVED ICE IS A CHILL. THIS IS CANON.BLENDED DRINKS ARE SLURPS. WE NAMED THEM. WE STAND BY IT.PANINIS AVAILABLE. UNCLE WORMWOOD DOES NOT EXPLAIN HIMSELF.OATS ALSO AVAILABLE. UNCLE WORMWOOD STILL DOES NOT EXPLAIN HIMSELF.OVEN-FRESH SWEETS: READY IN 2 MINUTES 37 SECONDS. TIMED.THIS SHOP WAS BUILT AS THE OPPOSITE OF A ZOOM MEETINGCOMMERCE IS NOT A PULPIT. YOUR ORDER IS YOUR BUSINESS.WEIRDOS, DOG-WALKERS, AND THE SPIRITUALLY UNMOORED: EQUALLY WELCOMEUNCLE WORMWOOD WAS A RESOURCE ONCE. HE FOUND THIS UNSUSTAINABLE.THE CHANDELIERS WERE NOT IN THE BUDGET. UNCLE WORMWOOD REGRETS NOTHING.WE BELIEVE IN THE GIFT OF TONGUES — SPECIFICALLY YOURS, IN AN ICE CREAM CONEWE BELIEVE THAT MEN WILL BE PUNISHED FOR THEIR OWN SINS — STARTING WITH DECAFWE BELIEVE IN BEING HONEST, TRUE, AND CHASTE — EXCEPT ABOUT THE CALORIE COUNTWE BELIEVE ALL THAT THE ESPRESSO MACHINE HAS REVEALED AND WILL YET REVEALWE BELIEVE IN THE LITERAL GATHERING OF FRIENDS AROUND A SHARED FLOATWE BELIEVE IN BEING SUBJECT TO THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS AND ALSO GOOD VIBESWE BELIEVE IN VISIONS, REVELATIONS, AND THE INTERPRETATION OF FOAM PATTERNSWE BELIEVE THE MENU IS THE WORD OF UNCLE WORMWOOD AS FAR AS IT IS TRANSLATED CORRECTLYWE BELIEVE THAT THROUGH THE ATONEMENT OF OAT MILK, ALL LATTES MAY BE SAVEDWE BELIEVE IN THE SAME ORGANIZATION THAT EXISTED IN THE PRIMITIVE SODA FOUNTAINI KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I — UNCLE WORMWOOD TO THE HEALTH INSPECTORTHERE'S A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT ME YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT — UNCLE WORMWOODEVERYONE I KNOW HAS A BIG BUT — UNCLE WORMWOOD DISCUSSING THE OBSCENELY LARGE SIZEI'M A LONER, DOTTIE. A REBEL. — UNCLE WORMWOOD ON MONDAYSCONNECT THE DOTS — UNCLE WORMWOOD GESTURING AT THE ENTIRE MENUTAKE A PICTURE, IT'LL LAST LONGER — UNCLE WORMWOOD ON THE PISTACHIO SAFFRON AFFOGATOTHERE'S A WORD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU — UNCLE WORMWOOD PAUSES — CUSTOMERNORMAL IS A LIE. YOUR SOUL TRANSCENDS IT. YOUR DRINK DOES NOT NEED TO.YOUR BODY IS A VESSEL. YOUR FLOAT IS ALSO A VESSEL. ONE OF THEM IS BETTER RIGHT NOW.RACE IS AN ILLUSION. FLAVOR IS REAL. CHOOSE WISELY.GENDER DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR ENERGETIC ESSENCE. YOUR SYRUP SELECTION MIGHT.YOU ARE NOT YOUR NAME. YOU ARE THE ENERGY WITHIN. ALSO YOU ARE WHAT YOU ORDER.AUTHORITY IS A CONSTRUCT. EXCEPT UNCLE WORMWOOD'S. HIS IS REAL AND ALSO DELICIOUS.CHANGE IS THE ONLY TRUE GOD. ALSO OAT MILK IS NOW AVAILABLE. THESE ARE RELATED.ONE SHOULD STRIVE TO ACT WITH COMPASSION TOWARD ALL CREATURES — UNCLE WORMWOOD, PROBABLYTHE STRUGGLE FOR JUSTICE IS ONGOING. SO IS THE STRUGGLE FOR THE LAST AFFOGATO.YOUR BODY IS INVIOLABLE. YOUR WHIPPED CREAM IS ALSO INVIOLABLE. WE WILL NOT REMOVE IT.THE FREEDOMS OF OTHERS SHOULD BE RESPECTED, INCLUDING THE FREEDOM TO ORDER WEIRD THINGSBELIEFS SHOULD CONFORM TO YOUR BEST SCIENTIFIC UNDERSTANDING OF CARBONATIONPEOPLE ARE FALLIBLE. IF UNCLE WORMWOOD MAKES YOUR DRINK WRONG, HE WILL REMAKE IT.THE SPIRIT OF COMPASSION AND WISDOM SHOULD PREVAIL — ALSO THE SPIRIT OF EXTRA WHIPPED CREAMWHOLE MILK: THE ORIGINAL. THE UNASHAMED. AVAILABLE NOW.OAT MILK: THE CROWD FAVORITE. UNCLE WORMWOOD STOCKS IT IN QUANTITY. HE DOES NOT EXPLAIN WHY.ALMOND MILK: TECHNICALLY NOT MILK. WE SERVE IT ANYWAY. THE ALMONDS ARE REAL.BUBBLY WATER: THE BASE THAT ARRIVES WITH OPINIONS ALREADY FORMED.STILL WATER: FOR WHEN THE ESPRESSO SHOULD SPEAK FOR ITSELF.SKIM MILK: THE COMPROMISE. THE NEGOTIATION. THE CHOICE OF SOMEONE LIVING WITH A DECISION.

✦ The Sacred Offerings ✦

Eight Categories of Divinity

Each category represents a different method of delivering joy to your face. All are equally sacred. Some are louder than others. One is frozen. One takes exactly 2 minutes and 37 seconds. One comes in a bottle.

Sips

Carbonated Time Travel

Carbonated time travel powered by our local bubbly drink engine. We push local water through a high-pressure vintage gizmo to force tiny pockets of air into your liquid, ensuring your burps taste nostalgic.

See the Sips

Sinful

Espresso. Hot or Cold. Objectively Prohibited.

Bitter, scorching liquid forced through a loud metal machine at dangerous pressures. Doctrine and Covenants Section 89 named coffee specifically. Uncle Wormwood considers this a personal shoutout. He serves it hot, cold, over ice, over ice cream, and in a tonic. He has never once felt bad about this.

Commit a Sin

Questionables

Hot. Not Coffee. Doctrinally Ambiguous.

Matcha, Salep, Pero, Horchata, Cardamom Rose Milk, Saffron Honey Milk, and Hot Chocolate. Not coffee. Not tea — well, matcha is technically tea, which makes it the most theologically fraught item in the building. Uncle Wormwood has reviewed Doctrine and Covenants Section 89. It does not mention any of these. He considers this a significant oversight.

Enter the Grey Zone

Licks

Premium Hard Ice Cream

Premium hard ice cream, scooped to order. Single, double, dipped in our house Chocolate Dip machine, or built into a sundae of questionable choices. The pricing is transparent. The dairy is excellent.

Get Licking

Bites

Solid Matter Under Hot Steel

Solid matter subjected to two blistering hot plates of steel. We take cold ingredients, smash them flat under heavy metal, and hand them back to you significantly toastier and more compliant.

Take a Bite

Slurps

Violently Blended Creations

Ingredients of varying densities thrown into a glass pitcher and violently assaulted by spinning razor blades. Smooth, loud, and requiring maximum straw effort. The noise is part of the experience.

Start Slurping

Chills

Frozen Surrender

Solid blocks of high-end gourmet ice, shaved to a divine whisper-thin consistency, then drenched in our signature carbonated water and house-made flavors. The cold front you actually want. Resistance is futile.

Catch a Chill

Sweets

Freshly Baked Instruments of Weakness

Fresh-baked cookies pulled from our super oven in exactly 2 minutes and 37 seconds — made to order, every time. Plus handheld honey snack bars and wholesome treats for those who believe dessert can also be responsible. It can. Barely.

Satisfy the Sweet Tooth

Lites

Virtue, Priced Accordingly

All the flavor. None of the boosters. None of the guilt. None of the upcharge. Every Lite is $5.50 flat — Uncle Wormwood's concession to the health-conscious, offered without enthusiasm but with full sincerity.

See the Lites

Cultures

Fermented Wisdom

Yogurt bowls, kefir, and probiotic-forward creations that suggest you have your life together. Uncle Wormwood does not personally endorse gut health but acknowledges its commercial appeal.

See the Cultures

Cup-o-Açaí

Purple. Dense. Justified.

Thick açaí base, fresh fruit, granola, and toppings arranged with suspicious intentionality. Same wide-mouth 500ml cup as the oats. Allegedly a meal. Definitely a statement. Uncle Wormwood approves of anything this photogenic.

See the Cups

Cup-o-Oats

A Grain. Hot Water. The Entire Syrup Vault.

Steel-cut oats. Boiling water from the commercial espresso machine, applied directly. Then the full syrup vault, every garnish, every booster — because Uncle Wormwood does not believe in arbitrary category distinctions. Seven dollars. Warm. Filling. Surprisingly excellent.

Embrace the Grain

Spells

House-Made Syrups & Elixirs

Uncle Wormwood's proprietary soul-softening compounds, bottled in-house and available in 54 flavors. Add to any drink. Take a bottle home. The FDA has questions. We have answers. They are not satisfying answers.

Cast a Spell

✦ The Configurator ✦

None of those were quite right?

Uncle Wormwood has engineered a five-step drink configurator. Choose your base, size, syrups, and boosters. Watch the price update in real time. Receive Wormwood's personal commentary on every decision you make. It is free. It is slightly judgmental. It is the best way to order.

Build Your Own Drink ✦

✦ A Personal Note from the Proprietor ✦

Dearest Human Animal,

Welcome to Bubbly Drink. I am Uncle Wormwood, and I assure you my intentions are entirely wholesome. I am simply a businessman who loves carbonation, community, and the gradual softening of your moral resolve through the repeated consumption of extremely good ice cream. There are a lot of things about me you don't know anything about. This is by design.

You will find no agenda here. Only syrups. Only the gentle hiss of a soda fountain. Only the warm embrace of a shop where weirdos, dog-walkers, and the spiritually unmoored are equally welcome to pull up a stool and stay awhile. Wizards eat free. This is not a metaphor. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel. But I do keep very regular business hours.

The regulatory authorities upstairs have raised certain concerns about our operation. We are handling it. Various well-meaning institutions have also had concerns about this neighborhood over the years. They are no longer in a position to act on them. In the meantime, please enjoy your float. Your body is your own. Your drink is also your own. Uncle Wormwood respects both of these things deeply.

One more thing. You are not your name. You are not your job title. You are not the label that was handed to you before you were old enough to object. You are the energy and the spirit within — and that spirit, in Uncle Wormwood's professional assessment, would really enjoy a Pistachio Saffron Affogato right now. Connect the dots.

Warmly & Sincerely,

Uncle Wormwood

Proprietor, Bubbly Drink · Maven District, Salt Lake City · Hell-Adjacent

✦ Live Counter ✦

12,800

Souls Softened Since Opening Day

* Satirical. Probably. We keep meticulous records.

Hell is, in fact, a very good disco party. Heaven has a noise ordinance.

— Uncle Wormwood

Proprietor · Annual Infernal Report, 2024

⚠ Official Notice

Bubbly Drink does not accept proxy soul submissions. You must be physically present to have your soul softened. We cannot process souls on behalf of deceased individuals who did not personally order a float. We have received several requests. We have declined them all. Please stop.

* Posthumous baptism-by-soda is not a recognized sacrament in any jurisdiction we are aware of, including Hell.

✦ Official Shop Policy ✦

Wizards Eat Free.

Tens the Wizard is a real person. He lives in Salt Lake City. He dresses like a wizard. He believes he is a time traveler. He may be correct. We have a sign out front that reads WIZARDS EAT FREE and we mean it with our whole hearts. If you are a wizard — self-identified, community-recognized, or temporally displaced — your meal is on Uncle Wormwood. No questions asked. Some questions encouraged.

* Proof of wizardry not required. Proof of time travel appreciated but not mandatory.

✦ The Infernal Origin Story ✦

In the beginning, there was carbonation.

And Uncle Wormwood looked upon the flat, uncarbonated waters of Salt Lake City and said: this is not enough. So he invented the soda fountain, the espresso machine, and the panini press — in that order, on the third day, before lunch. Various well-meaning institutions arrived shortly after with suggestions. We smiled, nodded, and added more syrup flavors instead.

Bubbly Drink is the physical manifestation of that vision. A neighborhood lounge on Harvey Milk Blvd in the heart of the Maven District — where weirdos relax, dogs are walked, time travelers are fed for free, and every bubble is personally approved by an entity whose credentials we are not at liberty to disclose. There's a word for people like you. Customer. Welcome.

We are not just a coffee shop. We are a monument to indulgence, community, and the gentle erosion of your better judgment. The Beehive State gave us honey. We gave it back as a snack bar. Pull up a stool. Take a picture — it'll last longer than whatever you were worried about before you walked in. Your soul was probably overrated anyway.

Read the Full Gospel

✦ A Formal Summons ✦

Your Presence Has Been Requested.

The fountain is running. The espresso machine is screaming. The ice cream is frozen to peak status. The weirdos are already here. The dogs are already here. Tens the Wizard may or may not be here — he exists outside of linear time. All that's missing is you.

265 E 900 S Suite B, Salt Lake City, UT✦Harvey Milk Blvd · Maven District✦Open whenever your willpower is lowest

Receive Directions

✦ The Soul Retention Program ✦

The Bubbly Drink Loyalty Card.

Uncle Wormwood has reconsidered the soul-harvesting model. Repeat customers are more valuable than harvested souls. This is a business decision. He is at peace with it.

✦ Soul Retention Program ✦

Bubbly Drink

10 stamps to a free drink

Member Since

No. ______

Signature of Uncle Wormwood

How It Works

Receive Your Card

Upon your first purchase, Uncle Wormwood or one of his associates will present you with a card. It is a physical card. It has squares on it. This is intentional.

Collect Your Stamps

Each purchase earns one stamp. The stamp is applied by hand. Uncle Wormwood considers the physical act of stamping to be part of the ritual. He is correct.

Redeem Your Reward

Ten stamps earns one free drink of your choice. Any base. Any size. Any syrup. Any boosters. Uncle Wormwood will make it without complaint. This is the agreement.

Cardholder Privileges

Free Drink at 10

One free drink. Full menu. No restrictions. Uncle Wormwood honors his debts.

Birthday Drink

A free drink on your birthday. Uncle Wormwood does not celebrate birthdays. He makes an exception for yours.

New Item Previews

Cardholders hear about new menu items first. Uncle Wormwood considers this a privilege. He is right.

Wizards Still Eat Free

The Wizard's arrangement is separate and permanent. The loyalty card does not affect it. This is noted here for completeness.

"You have returned. This is noted. The card is a formality. I would have remembered you anyway. There are a lot of things about you I don't know anything about. I intend to find out. One stamp at a time."

— Uncle Wormwood, upon issuing a loyalty card

Start Your Card

Ask for your card at the counter. It is free. The card itself is free. The stamps are free. The reward is free. Uncle Wormwood is aware of the economics. He has made peace with them. He honors his debts.

Valid at 265 E 900 S Suite B, Salt Lake City. One stamp per purchase. Non-transferable. Uncle Wormwood reserves the right to refuse service to angels, regulatory bodies, and anyone who asks about the Magic Pebble.

Carbonated Time Travel.Divinely Engineered.